How To Cope With A Raped Partner

As Ola made to tickle his wife’s earlobe with his tongue, a move he just picked up on television , she flinched. He left the bedroom, preferring to sleep in the living room. He couldn’t understand it. It had been six months now since the thieves raped her and although they had been to counselling and the police were closing in on the perpetrators, she still had not moved on. It was hard for him as well but he didn’t know how to tell her he loved her beyond what words could express. All he wanted was for her to blank out that part of their lives, forever, impossible as it seemed.

A shadow fell across him and he froze, shutting his eyes tight. Moments later, he could feel her breath close to him as she held him close, her face moistened by tears. He simply wrapped her in his arms and kissed her hair. At that moment, he suddenly knew everything would be alright.



Stranger rape is not so common in public circles but it does happen. Examples are found in cases of displaced persons, who are victims of war, kidnapped persons and victims of trafficking, who may have experienced varying degrees of sexual violation before reuniting with their families. There are also cases where robbers rape victims in the presence of their families.

The adverse rippling consequences of stranger rape which include fear, anger, intense hatred, e.t.c., all contribute to making it harder for the family to move ahead and the incident also affects relationships. However, as hard as it seems, relationship experts who spoke with Sunday Tribune agree that it is not impossible.

According to Emeka Chiemenem of Marriage Solution Providers, Aba, Abia State, “terror, shock, unbearable pain, overwhelming helplessness, and vulnerability are just some of the feelings one may experience after such an encounter. These are powerful feelings that don’t just go away. Instead they affect every area of the victim’s life. Rape victims typically suffer and struggle in various ways. Except they are helped, victims struggle and every time they feel that their hearts are breaking under the weight of what happened to them.”

Below are the steps families can take to move on:

Forego denial

According to Pastor Ebenezer Diyaolu of Family Care Mandate Ministry International, Lagos, “denial will only make things worse. The family should accept what has happened and instead embrace moving on.

Desist from blame games

Considering the sensitive nature of what has happened, in spite of the circumstances surrounding the act, no family member should be blamed for what happened.

Change environment

“The family should find ways to make the environment in which the act occurred different. There could be re-arranging of property, replacement of certain household items and if possible, the family should move away from the environment, if not permanently, at least for a while. Anything that will trigger memories of the occurrence should be avoided,” Diyaolu stated.

Seek medical attention and counselling

Harsh as it may sound, as Diyaolu suggests, the victim should be encouraged to seek immediate medical attention in order to eliminate the possibility of getting infection and in the case of women unwanted pregnancy. Visiting a health centre is also necessary for getting evidence if the victim intends to prosecute the case. Afterwards, the family should also seek counseling from a trustworthy source.

Forgiveness

For Chiemenem, “One crucial step towards healing for rape victims is to forgive the attacker(s). It’s likely that the rapist will never ask for forgiveness. So the victim will not likely express forgiveness in person. But one can be delivered from the poisons of bitterness, hatred, and fear by forgiveness.”

In the view of Diyaolu, the victim should be gently nudged towards forgiveness. Forgiveness should not only be for the perpetrator of the act but also for the victim as well. This also aids in the healing process. It is easier said than done as this is very difficult but it is essential for the victim to forgive and just accept that life goes on.

Discourage isolation

The victim should not be allowed to live in isolation as this can be dangerous. If the family sincerely intends to move forward, other members of the family, including trusted and mature family members should rally round the victim and show sincere support. However, the immediate family should be extremely careful before involving extended family members. According to Diyaolu, “some family members can be quite childish and may narrate the ordeal to the public which may make things worse for the family. If there is also a slight misunderstanding, they may also make reference to the incident which may further worsen the situation. Hence, immediate family has to be very careful before involving extended family members.”

Love

According to Chiemenem, “Rape is like a big boulder in a mud puddle, it splashes lots of people. The splashed include spouse, the parents, and/or the children of someone who was raped are also victims. The horrifying memory, the feeling of being overwhelmed, the broken heart is not the memory of what happened to the victim only, it’s the memory of what happened to a loved one that could have been protected. More than ever, the victim needs the love of family members in overcoming this trauma.


Source: tribune